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Time for your account copy of the Deadspin Funbag. Find added of Drew’s actuality at KSK or on Twitter. Buy Drew’s new book, The Postmortal, through here. Email the Funbag here. Today, we’re accoutrement bargains, pooping in thongs, hip hop karaoke, and more.

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I’m on vacation abutting week, but abhorrence not. There will be a Funbag while I’m gone, with a absolute appropriate bedfellow host answering all your poopy questions: New York Times #1 bestselling columnist Justin Halpern. You can email Justin your questions for abutting anniversary appropriate here, or hit him up on Twitter (his absolute Twitter feed, not the Bits My Dad Says feed). I assurance that you’ll be affectionate and affable to Justin aback you ask him questions about the admeasurement of Shatner’s cock.


I’m a tiny white gentleman. What’s the karaoke amenities for application the N-word? I don’t alike apperceive if I could abate it by alteration the end from ‘er’ to ‘ah’. Sometimes I can aloof barter it for addition brace syllables, such as ‘white boy’, but that generally compromises the candor of the song and the artist’s aboriginal intention. And I’m not aloof gonna case ‘bleep’ every time the chat comes up. Man, actuality white can blot so abundant ass 1% of the time.

Well, it depends on the karaoke bar now, doesn’t it? Are they any atramentous bodies in the abode at all? Or do you alive in Maine, with no atramentous bodies aural 500 afar of you?

I anticipate you should allegedly abstain singing the word. Aboriginal of all, you don’t appetite anybody in the abode cerebration that you’re some dipshit white boy who thinks he has abundant artery cred to get abroad with accomplishing it. You additionally don’t appetite anybody to anticipate that you’re advisedly aggravating to get abroad with adage the chat by singing it. Also, you don’t appetite bodies to anticipate you’re RAYCESS.

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More important, it’s allegedly gonna complete DUMB advancing from you. Picture you and your Duke homeboys aggravating to karaoke “Sucka N—-a” (I put dashes in the appellation because I’m a accommodating white person!):

Even if you were asleep austere about the song and advised it with the absolute respect, you’d still complete like an idiot aggravating to rap it in a karaoke bar. The song has to fit you. Booty it from addition who did “Baby Got Back” in a karaoke bar already and was met with annihilation but blackout in return: Accomplishing ANY hip hop at a karaoke bar is consistently a capricious proposition.

I bare the angle of a atramentous man on this, so I affronted to The Assimilated Negro. He says:

Is the karaoke bar on Earth? Again the aforementioned alluvial rules of amenities administer if you weren’t in a karaoke bar. Shocking, I know. I assumption if it’s dark, and you’re bubbler maybe this could be confusing? But it’s array of like the paintball amenities for application a absolute gun.

But I anticipate acutely the rules are (*hold on blockage the negropedia, *cough*, axis pages…ok, actuality it is, not absolutely but*): N-word amenities aphorism 4080: if there’s any non-white people, you appetite to exercise abstemiousness with application the n-word (it’s not aloof atramentous people, account n-word is a aperture appellation so everyone’s on guard). If it’s alone white association at the bar again you ability as able-bodied go advanced and alive it up. The affair allegedly sucks anyways aback it’s all white bodies and you’re apprehensive about n-word karaoke etiquette

Also, You could attending at the bristles account you absorb advancing up with some addition as a babyish karmic anatomy of reparations. Compare the aggravation of you adage “bleep” or “white boy” (which at atomic has “keeping it real” activity for it) to the aggravation of the n-word’s history. So yeah, swapping syllables, so annoying!, and you would absolutely complete like Drake singing “Marvin’s Room” otherwise. But on the ablaze side, you’re demography time to account the history and if you do accept this avenue I anticipate you could advantageously use a censored acquired of the chat like “nuh-unh” or “nukka” and be ok (though “nukka” absolutely carries added risk, it’s my adopted best for the admixture of phonetic color and additionally acutely not actuality the n-word) .

I say you should appropriate this befalling to breed a amusing workaround. This is what backward appearance hosts and standups and ablaze amusing bodies do, and you ability end up impressing a lady-friend, or Jay-Z or Obama with your accomplished way of administration a catchy scenario. You’re the air-conditioned nigga now.

You beggarly air-conditioned NUKKA!


Spent the morning at the bazaar with my 18 ages old boy, block him bottomward the aisles and extenuative him from abreast misses with advancing arcade carts. The blow of the day I was absorbed about addition absolutely nailing him with a barrow and acting like a dick about it, and my consecutive concrete abolition of that human. What would be aboriginal breach done to your adolescent that would absolve disemboweling addition in Super Target? I whittled it bottomward to addition ancestor blame him… I ability aloof absolutely appetite to action someone.

I dunno. If my kid was actuality a little bits in Target and some added ancestor scolded them for it, I ability aloof accord that ancestor a hug because A) It adored me from babble at the kid and attractive like a shitty ancestor in advanced of anybody and B) The kid ability absolutely accept to addition who is not me. That’s the amazing affair about kids. They accept to anybody BUT their parents. I sit at home and adjure my kid to not run about the active allowance arid a scooter affronted to a arcade barrow affronted to a airship affronted to a active cat, and the kid doesn’t accept for SHIT. But if her abecedary were to ask her the aforementioned thing? She’d be quiet and at absorption in about bristles abnormal flat. I went to my kid’s academy already and all the kids were walking in bandage agilely to go to the cafeteria or article and I was like THIS IS BULLSHIT. How appear these fuckers alone behave aback I’m not around? It’s not right.

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Anyway, if addition in a Super Target affective or bumped my child, I’d like to anticipate that I’d ambush on them and forcibly sodomize them with the grocery belt spacer. Parents are all hypocrites like that. You absorb all day babble at your kids, and again addition abroad yells at them and you’re like, “THAT’S MY BABY!!! DON’T YOU BE YELLING AT MY PRIDE AND JOY!” So I’d like to anticipate I’d retaliate with acute prejudice, but I apperceive that I’m a alarmist and that I’d allegedly be like “HEY!” and again angle there with my aperture accessible like a goddamn idiot. Again I’d ask some rent-a-cop to arrest the added man, and again abscond the abundance already I was told that I had to ample out a academic complaint.


My additional son produced this allotment of art aftermost year at school. The absolute assignment is on a allotment of architecture cardboard that’s about three anxiety by one foot. He absolved in the aperture afterwards school, proudly captivated it up, and said, “look at my art.”

The best allotment is the caption, which is a bit adamantine to read, but states “My turkey is happy.”

Is this blind on my bank at the law firm? You bigger accept it.

That is one engorged turkey. Annihilation makes your Christmas banquet absolutely like a phallic turkey.


If a babe or guy were to bits themselves while cutting a thong, would the consecutive poo allotment in bisected ?

It’s doubtful, accustomed both the acceleration and bendability of poop. The acceptable aftereffect is that the account would brew adjoin the thong and again accelerate accomplished it, abrogation a acceptable bulk of anointed account all over the garment. I would alone like to see stats comparing the likelihood of drift marks for thong wearers adjoin non-thong wearers. Because it has to be college for thong wearers, doesn’t it? The thong goes IN your asscrack. It’s about an agitated if the affair somehow stays apple-pie afterwards spending six hours in that abysmal aphotic place. You could conceivably get skidmarks on the alfresco of your thong if you try adamantine enough. I bet that’s happened to Ice T’s wife at atomic a scattering of times. SO HOT.


I had to run to the grocery abundance afterwards assignment today but I alone bare to aces up like 8 things. As I was avaricious them from the shelf I noticed that about all of them were on auction and absolutely got aflame by this.

I was alike activity to argument my adherent to appearance off my thifty arcade skillz. Activity through the annals I accomplished how sad that absolutely is. Actuality stoked about things like this agency that my ‘fun’ years are over and I’m a arid 30-something developed now right?

Probably, but I say EMBRACE IT. I get so fucking psyched aback Cocoa Puffs are on auction that my wife has to actually arrest me from putting eight boxes in the cart.

HER: We don’t accept abundant allowance for that abounding boxes.


I’m the blazon of actuality that ends up spending added money because I bought too abundant of article that was on sale. I’ll see that my admired ham is on auction at the cafeteria and I’ll adjustment three pounds of it, again it all goes bad by the additional day in the fridge. I can’t advice it. I LOVE A BARGAIN, alike aback I’ve defeated the purpose of that bargain. Bisected the time, I balloon my bazaar agenda aback I go to the abundance anyway, again I’m too apathetic to ample out a anatomy for a new one and too afraid to ask the agent to bash his agenda for me so I can save the loot.

Here in Maryland, the Giant bazaar has a cantankerous advance with Shell gas stations area you can get a dime off every gallon of gasoline for every, I dunno, hundred dollars account of advantage you buy. I cannot activate to acquaint you how captivated I am aback I admission my grocery agenda cardinal in at the pump and see that I got 30 cents off a gallon. IT’S ORGASMIC. I feel like I aloof opened up the Cave of Wonders in Aladdin. I accept to action the appetite to ample up all the added cars in the base with my cheap, admirable fuel. I could alcohol the gas, I’m so blessed for the discount.

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Back in, say, the 1200s aback they didn’t accept toilets and bodies would use outhouses, do you anticipate they took account abstracts with them? Like a book or a announcement of some sort? Or was it so abundant added afflictive that bodies were aloof aggravating to get in and get out as fast as possible? Aback did the admittance of account abstracts become commonplace in bath etiquette?

The columnist press wasn’t invented until the 1400s, so bodies aback again wouldn’t accept been able to booty any banal account abstracts with them into the shitter. Furthermore, the shitter that peasants acclimated was about absolutely a aperture addition dug in the boilerplate of Sherwood Forest or article like that, so you wouldn’t accept had two chargeless easily to blade through a Christian missionary announcement handwritten on besom bark. You would accept bare to use your easily to brace yourself while shitting in a broad position.

Human actuality aback again was adequately primal. You were born, you were put to work, you had grandkids by age 18, and you died by age 29. There’s not a lot of allowance for abandoned account in that affectionate of life. There’s alone time to say prayers and bulge whatever accessory your Dad best as your bride. If a time apparatus alone me off in the year 1200 with no way home, I’d aftermost four account afore jumping off a cliff.

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I accept three accouchement ages 5, 2, and 1. What do you anticipate the over/under would be set at for the accumulated bulk of times the kids cry? I would say on a Saturday, from the moment they deathwatch up (usually about 6:30 am) until they go bed (usually about 8:00 p.m.) and all naps included, I accept heard arrant from the three accumulated at atomic 25 times. My analogue of arrant is assembly of at atomic one tear. I now accept why my Dad was consistently accomplishing bits in the barn and/or the yard.

I’d booty the over on that. I mean, you’re talking about bodies who cry because they can’t use their admired angle because it’s in the dishwasher. What a agglomeration of pussies. They accept NO affecting backbone of any sort. That’s the allotment of parenting that’s asperous on all men. It’s the DRAMA of it all. Everything gets out of proportion. A simple cruise in the car becomes a goddamn production. It’s basically the aforementioned as actuality crippled. If you were built-in afterwards legs, it allegedly takes you about an hour to get accessible for a cruise in the car. Ditto bodies with kids. What I’m adage is that my kids accept amputated both of my legs.


Who do you anticipate poops the most? I accept to anticipate that pro athletes, accurately football players & anatomy builders accept to bits an abysmal amount; both all-embracing aggregate and frequency. I’m a accustomed dude with a ample diet of allegedly 2000 – 3000 calories, and I’m acceptable for at atomic two sessions on the can best days. World chic athletes such as Michael Phelps accept been appear to absorb 10,000 calories per day. I anticipate it is fair to say that an abhorrent lineman does not bake as abounding calories as Phelps, so does that aftereffect in added feces?

The boilerplate sumo wrestler consumes over 20,000 calories a day, which beats Phelps’ intake. And somehow, I agnosticism that sumo wrestlers bake off as abounding of those calories that Phelps does, so PRESTO! Added decay articles for everyone! I ambition there was sumo affronted in India. You’d be able to aroma the toilets from here.

In general, I anticipate that metabolic processes alter so berserk from actuality to actuality that you can’t necessarily say that one blazon of actuality poops added than others. There may be some some 80-year-old grandma in Indiana who shits 14 solid BMs out a day. There may be swimmers who account already a day. There’s no way of knowing. All I apperceive is this: Getting drift marks in your Speedo is alarming affair to behold. I’ve had it happen. How did the account stick there? How abundant of it floated off into the pool? It’s a addictive sight.


I aloof got aback from a sandwich abode that captivated their subs in antithesis like burritos. I was stunned. Chipotle’s been about for over ten years, acceptation white bodies (we like sandwiches!) accept had admission to burrito antithesis technology for a decade. Why did it booty so continued to administer it to subs? And it formed altogether – the antithesis captivated all that absurd craven and jalapeno/bacon salsa in abode abreast the aback of the sub while I mouth-mauled the advanced of it. Now I’m aloof affronted I didn’t anticipate of it first.

That’s crazy talk. Some sandwich shops accept been wrapping their sandwiches in antithesis for years. Aloof because you’ve allegedly spent the accomplished decade affairs subs from Subway and Quizno’s alone doesn’t beggarly that your bounded begrimed sub-and-pizza boutique has done the aforementioned thing. I like the antithesis because, as CR said, it helps absorb heat. Added important, I don’t accept to absorb ten account unwrapping the affair like it’s a UPS package. Subway charge decay eight trees’ account of cardboard every time they blanket a 6-inch BMT. I bare a Subway sub and you can’t alike see the apparent of the table anymore. It’s an absurd bulk of paper.

HOWEVER, there’s article to be said for a messy-as-shit sub that’s been captivated in paper, with the grease assimilation the cardboard and the bag you’re accustomed the sandwich in. You apperceive that you’re in for a acceptable time already you get that fucker home. It’s like walking home afterwards affairs porn or cocaine. CANNOT GET HOME FAST ENOUGH.

I got a hot Italian buzz beef sandwich the added anniversary and they biconcave it in gravy, again captivated it in paper, and the accomplished affair was clammy wet by the time I got to my table. AND I LIKED IT THAT WAY. It was like a babyish oil bacchanal in my mouth. I like it absolute hot, and clumsily wet.

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What do you anticipate is the affliction profession to accept to booty a dump at work? I’m a abecedary at an elementary school…and its awful. The job is able but the shitting bearings is above horrid. Sometimes I’m actually blowin’ chunks out of my asshole alone anxiety abroad from babyish children.

Then, bold I can use the adroitness bathroom, I charge do an actual escape as to not acquiesce the fetor into the halls aback I accessible the door. Factor in all the changeable agents to who use the bath and the complete the metal toilet cardboard cycle makes adjoin the bank announcement my shitting prowess, and I abstain the bearings completely. But some jobs charge accept it abundant worse, right? I anticipate I’d booty a porta-potty over this.

Speaking of port-a-potties,. I’d accept to anticipate that arrangement artisan is allegedly worse. You accept to absorb all day afraid your assurance off at a architecture site. Then, aback you accept to shit, you accept to booty ass to the port-a-potty, area 500 added bathed assholes accept done their business afore you get your licks in. And there’s no bore to ablution up afterward. Now that I anticipate about it, every aqueduct in my abode could be covered in begrimed matter, and not aloof because my son poked me in the chest with his own stinkfinger the added day.

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Do you anytime anticipate someone’s penis has been ripped off in duke to duke combat? No knives or added weapons, aloof a apple-pie grab and removal. My Google analysis alone alternate a adventure of a women who acclimated her nails to burrow some pieces, but the use of nails seems like cheating.

It’s unlikely. Thankfully, there is a circuitous arrangement of muscle, skin, nerves, and claret argosy that helps accumulate your penis absorbed to your body. Alike if we activate the world’s arch man… Alike if we had Jay Ratyliff of the Cowboys airing in here, grab your dick, and draw on it for an hour like he was aggravating to annoyance a alike bottomward a runway, your boxy little Stanley would about absolutely abide anchored. It abiding wouldn’t FEEL good, but I anticipate you can blow accessible alive that dicks can’t aloof be broken off on a whim. Otherwise, you yourself would accept uprooted it ages ago. Am I right? The affair was congenital to bear abuse.


I am 5’10,” 175 pounds and a appealing acceptable amateur for a Jew. I can blow the rim on a acceptable day and could allegedly bank 225, if fifty dollars were on the line. My acquaintance Tom and I were discussing how abounding clones of me would accept to be on the acreage to be a assertive NFL defense. My acquaintance Tom says mid 40’s but I anticipate 35 could do the trick. Of accurate affair to Tom is endlessly the Calvin Johnson jump brawl and the run in general.

Infinite “me’s” would be on the amusement so injuries would not be an issue. I additionally would not acquire any fear.

I don’t apperceive if we should accommodate that “no fear” qualifier at the end, because abhorrence would be one of the capital affidavit it would allegedly crave 35 of you to activate with. If there were 25 assured clones of you active around, you’d allegedly accept abundant of a numbers advantage to accomplish as able-bodied as a accepted NFL defense. You’d additionally acquire Jim Nantz’s adulation and admiration always for your tough, gritty, admirable appearance of play. Alike a 20-man aegis comprised of discreet Jews would affectation problems for an NFL offense, because that would beggarly that several defenders could roam about absolutely unblocked. Aloof one accessible man is abundant to ruin a play, so brainstorm accepting to accord with NINE of them. Passing the brawl would about be eliminated, with the NFL aggregation instead agreeable to break you over application animal force. A assured bandage of Q’nises ability be able to stop that, but not your boilerplate aflutter everyman who knows aggravating to stop Beast Mode in the accessible acreage is an blackballed proposition. I anticipate 30 boilerplate yous would allegedly do the trick, but I’d add an added ten aloof to be safe. God, I ambition we could simulate this agreement in a alive game. I’d pay $100 to see it. I absolutely would.

Email of the anniversary time.


When I was in elementary academy I was a big time doodler. If there was a allowance in a book in advanced of me, I was activity to draw brainless pictures in that allowance because that is the accomplished point of accepting undiagnosed ADD. In 5th grade, I became amorous of cartoon any architecture the consisted of beeline lines, and amid those designs is the acceptable old attribute of the Nazi Party. Aback my abecedary absolved accomplished my board and noticed a book that had the margins abounding up with swastikas, she anon alerted my parents and I had to sit through several affairs with them, my abecedary and our academy counselor. Despite my altogether reasonable account that I aloof anticipation it looked neat, I’m appealing abiding my mother spent the abutting three months watching me for any assurance of goosestepping, and she alike fabricated me go over to my abutting aperture neighbor’s abode to bless Passover with them.

Also, I got in agitation for doodling all over my Bible (I went to Catholic school), because one of the doodles looked decidedly like a penis.

And on that note, Merry Christmas everyone.

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