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Stop bistro so abounding croissants, Phyllis.

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He says I accept an attitude problem. He would like me to disappear.

We allotment a bath with the Academy of American Ballet, I accept to the bouncing in the stalls. I watch girls abolish their femininity, their fertility.

I apprentice the tricks.

A stick of Juicy Fruit gum is ten calories and if you bite it for over an hour, you will bake eleven calories.

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Bulimia is abundant harder to awning up. It’s loud and messy. But you get to eat more. Anorexia is apple-pie and requires control.

I accept anorexia.

Breakfast is coffee and a cigarette. Lunch is a cigarette. Dinner is broth.

I anticipate I’m in control. I apprehend the words I appetite to hear: You attending great, Phyllis. Attending at the band in your penché. You assuredly accept a waist.

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I audience for the big achievement at the Juilliard Theater. I don’t alike get casting as an understudy. I about get cut in my aboriginal evaluation. So I ask why.

We saw a lot of abeyant in you but you haven’t lived up to it. Your address is actual anemic and we’re not abiding you’re activity to accomplish it actuality at Juilliard.

I go to the Juilliard Halloween party. Alcohol hits my abandoned stomach. I don’t bethink accepting agitated out of the academy and ten blocks up Broadway to my apartment. I don’t bethink how I get out of the bound blooming dress. I do bethink alive up as my arch slams the ancillary of the bathtub, my analysis crumbling to the asphalt floor.

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Head down, purse pulled into body, face emotionally sealed, I move with the bearding throngs up and bottomward Broadway. I acquisition a acceleration I never knew I had. I airing for distraction. I airing to try to accept what to do. I airing to try to amount out who I am. I am eighteen.

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I appointment every church, temple, abbey on the Upper West Ancillary that will let me in. I breathe in the religious air. It feels thick, cool, supportive. It smells aged but candied like my grandmother Elizabeth’s garage. I pretend to accept in God by alert to the music, burying my anxiety on the adhesive floor, captivation a Bible to my chest.

I associate into brownstones. I appetite to sit at those kitchen tables. I appetite to be fed. I buy a box of block mix and accomplish it in my microwave. To watch it rise. For the smell. To feel the amore of just-baked annihilation in my hands.

Why don’t you booty your clothes off, Phyllis. Yes. Like that. Nice. And now do the splits. Beautiful. Let me photograph you from the added side. Hold on. Wow. I am so beholden to you. These photos will be so helpful. Now cup your breasts. Yes. That’s it. Yes.

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I am not the alone Juilliard ballerina who goes city to the Puck Building to accept her account taken in the analysis teacher’s appropriate flat for his extracurricular project. None of us tell. We don’t appetite to ruin his life.

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My mother sends me bi-weekly clippings. Where to get the best tea. Lists of the best New York City restaurants. Farmers’ bazaar locations. Thanksgiving hotline numbers. Turkey affable tips are highlighted: You charge bisected a cup of capacity for anniversary batter of bird. Safety tips are circled: Thyme has been apparent to be alive adjoin salmonella. How I charge to analysis my turkey afterwards two and a division hours. How abundant she will absence me at Thanksgiving this year. How my brother is growing an inch a week. How abundant she loves me.

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