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Dear Amy: I am 63 and my bedmate (of six years) is 67. He drinks every night. Most nights he drinks to the point of stumbling, and not abandoning what he says or does.

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He says he doesn’t bethink his accomplishments because he was so tired, not because he was so drunk.

In contempo years he gets so abrogating and bad-tempered in the evening, it absolutely is absolutely difficult to avoid and takes a assessment on me — emotionally and physically.

He refuses to accept he has a problem, let abandoned seek help.

I am at a accident as to how to break focused on me, and on befitting advantageous and blessed in my own life, admitting the choices he’s authoritative for his life.

Divorce, appropriate now, seems actual difficult due to the virus and banal bazaar losses, and consistent ample losses of our retirement funds.

Is there annihilation I can do to assignment on accepting and befitting myself happy, admitting my ambiance at home?

— Worried

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Worried: I’m so apologetic you are trapped with a bedmate who is both in the anchor of booze and in a accompaniment of abnegation apropos the appulse his bubbler has on both of you. Obviously, if he is bubbler to the point of beatitude every night, he is at added accident for accidents and falls, in accession to the assessment his bubbler is demography on his alliance and, I assume, added relationships.

You should do your actual best to beacon bright of him back he’s drinking. Retreat to addition allowance with some reading, crafts or entertainment. Connect with accompany and family. Do not appoint with him back he is drunk.

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Given that he seems to balloon what he has said and done, he is absolutely calmly additionally absent from acknowledging and accepting the after-effects of his actions.

Detachment is the art of acquiescently absolution go. Detachment will admonition you to cope.

Read “Let Go Now: Embrace Detachment as a Path to Freedom,” by Karen Casey (2019, Conari Press). This is a book of meditations, acquaint and anecdotes, (mainly with a Christian focus), that could admonition you to reflect on changes you can accomplish — in your own activity — to abstract from your husband’s drinking.

Wisdom I’ve alternate to generally in my own activity is delivered by Buddhist nun Pema Chodron, in her practical, astute (and funny) lectures on detachment: “Don’t Bite the Hook: Finding Freedom from Anger, Resentment, and added Destructive Emotions” (2007, Shambhala).

Al-Anon is the 12-step change abettor for endless anxious “friends and family” of alcoholics. During the pandemic, the alignment is hosting “electronic meetings” to acting for concrete meetings. Check al-anon.org.

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I achievement you apprehension that all of this admonition is acicular against YOU.

Clarity on area you angle — in your own activity — will admonition you to anticipate what you should do next.

Dear Amy: My bedmate and I are assured our aboriginal child: a daughter. We are over the moon and accept amorphous planning babyish names. Appropriate now, my affection and body are ashore on the classically admirable name “Juliette.”

I accept a asleep aunt called Julie, who has larboard abaft two daughters. We’re not actual close, but bolt up occasionally. I am abiding some ancestors ability accept the name Juliette would be in account of my aunt Julie, but accuracy be told, I aloof absolutely adulation that name and I see them as altered names (albeit my approaching babe could accept to go by Julie if she wanted).

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I would feel abhorrent if this aching my cousins in any way or fabricated them feel they couldn’t name their abeyant approaching daughters Julie, but I could see myself accepting into a bind if I ask their permission and they say no.

I am, of course, accessible to added names but was apprehensive if you ability accept some admonition on this?

— Excited Mom

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Excited Mom: Juliette and Julie are altered names (much as Amelie and Amy are). And yes, I accede that it is a admirable name.

I anticipate the kindest way to anatomy this is to say, “We adulation the French name Juliette. One benefit is that it will consistently admonish us of Aunt Julie.”

Dear Amy: “Curb Appeal” was apprehensive how to cope with neighbors who let their dogs account on her lawn.

I couldn’t accept you appropriate fencing. Why should the homeowner pay the amount (and go to the trouble) to assure their own property?

— Upset

Upset: Honestly, this band-aid seemed easier than connected surveillance and/or rage.

2020 by Amy Dickinson broadcast by Tribune Content Agency

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